In case you hadn't noticed, I stole your phone,
Just got curious why you've got a different your ringing tone,
But oh, who am I trying to kid?
Lately I've been hearing whispers everywhere,
Usually, I'm the type who doesn't care,
You and her, half the town had seen,
Laughing over pizza dinners and bowling alleys,
Not once nor twice but too many times,
I don't see,
I don't hear,
I don't feel,
No nothing...
I'm gonna be in your room tonight,
To try and see for myself,
Coz ur brother said you changed your bedside picture frame,
I'm sorry but I'll be changing it back,
in hopes that things are gonna be the same,
Keep our smiles on those days that should never be over,
And they never will be for me,
I refuse to learn how to miss you,
Or let someone hold me the way you do.
There will be no one else to wipe my tears,
Or hear the stories of how my day had been,
A tomorrow without you won't be a tomorrow at all...
Don't come tonight,
Don't murder my heart,
Even if its what fate thinks is right,
I know you're gonna say I can move on,
My chances are millions to be happy again,
That coz you found your happy ending, I'll get mine next,
But boy don't you know I can't stand the pain,
And I guess, I'm never gonna be ready to just be the ex..
Monday, February 14, 2011
Monday, June 28, 2010
one step closer
I'm not really the type who gives up so easily. Confused as I was, I knew I had to try again. So the day before prom, I went to your house again.
Adam and Drew told me you went of somewhere and that you'll be back after a few hours. I decided to wait. We we're playing Counter Strike when the phone rang. Adam answered it. When he came back, Drew asked.
"Who was that?"
"Mom. Said she won't be home for dinner so we'll have to fix oen ourselves."
"Where's your mom at, by the way?" Nash inquired.
"At the mall with Allie. Their picking up her prom dress." Adam snickered.
"She going then?" I wasn't able to contain myself, though I tried to sound unaffected.
"Yeah. I heard her talking to her friend Heather that she turned down all guys who asked her. Called them all idiots. That's our sister. Dunno how she got so tough. Anyways, she actually didn't wanna go. But all cheerleaders must, so she thought if she can't find a decent partner, she'd try and convince you to take her out." Adam said.
"Me?" I almost stuttered.
"Yeah, you brother. She didn't talk to you about it?"
"No." I said quietly.
"She thought you wouldn't mind taking her. Yeah, well. Anyways, I dunno why but all of a sudden, Mom was telling us Allie's accepted Rob's invitation."
"Rob Sternberg? Another quarterback?"
Adam gave him a disappointed assent. They both shook their heads.
"I'd be happier if she stuck to her original plan. I mean, you wouldn't mind taking her, right Ty?"
"Uh. No. But if she's going with someone well.." I really wouldn't. I didn't notice i was pressing the joystick so hard.
The terrorist was dead, and the three of them were shouting at the top of their lungs. I won the game, but I lost the battle.
I skipped prom.
You were the prom queen. And Rob was the prom king. Over lunch the next day, I said congratulations.
Adam and Drew told me you went of somewhere and that you'll be back after a few hours. I decided to wait. We we're playing Counter Strike when the phone rang. Adam answered it. When he came back, Drew asked.
"Who was that?"
"Mom. Said she won't be home for dinner so we'll have to fix oen ourselves."
"Where's your mom at, by the way?" Nash inquired.
"At the mall with Allie. Their picking up her prom dress." Adam snickered.
"She going then?" I wasn't able to contain myself, though I tried to sound unaffected.
"Yeah. I heard her talking to her friend Heather that she turned down all guys who asked her. Called them all idiots. That's our sister. Dunno how she got so tough. Anyways, she actually didn't wanna go. But all cheerleaders must, so she thought if she can't find a decent partner, she'd try and convince you to take her out." Adam said.
"Me?" I almost stuttered.
"Yeah, you brother. She didn't talk to you about it?"
"No." I said quietly.
"She thought you wouldn't mind taking her. Yeah, well. Anyways, I dunno why but all of a sudden, Mom was telling us Allie's accepted Rob's invitation."
"Rob Sternberg? Another quarterback?"
Adam gave him a disappointed assent. They both shook their heads.
"I'd be happier if she stuck to her original plan. I mean, you wouldn't mind taking her, right Ty?"
"Uh. No. But if she's going with someone well.." I really wouldn't. I didn't notice i was pressing the joystick so hard.
The terrorist was dead, and the three of them were shouting at the top of their lungs. I won the game, but I lost the battle.
I skipped prom.
You were the prom queen. And Rob was the prom king. Over lunch the next day, I said congratulations.
I fell
I remember mom rejoicing that after so many years, we finally got along. She adored you. And I've always thought that it was because I don't have a sister. You hung around our house and i attended family barbecues at yours again without a non-speaking terms with you. You even joined me and your brothers swim.
At school though, both of us were uncomfortable approaching each other openly. I had my own crowd and you had yours. Cheerleaders and jocks don't really mix, so we simply say hi or hello. Sometimes, we share a lunch table with your siblings and mine.
0ne summer, our families decided to go camping together. That was one of the best days of life yet. The forest was picturisque, the place absolutely wonderful. I knew you were having fun too, with all the hiking and stuff. We even have camp fires in the night where everybody goofs around, singing ang dancing like maniacs. One time, due to insistent public demand, you sang a song with my accompaniment. Well, you didn't sound bad. And though you're not Jojo or Amy Pearson or Taylor Swift, I didn't really matter. To me, that was the best melody I've ever heard.
That Night, I Fell In Love with You.
It wasn't easy hiding from everyone but i had to. I can't possibly lead you into thinking that I'm taking any advantage or what. So I waited. I was careful not to show my feelings. I stopped myself from staring too much at your smile. I clenched my fist to refrain from holding you when we get really close. It was new to me. I couldn't say anything yet.. And though we were spending so many weekends together playing badminton, malling, going to the amusement park or just fooling around with our siblings at home, I came nowhere near telling you.
The dreaded prom came.
I had to ask you, I knew I had. Man, what's more difficult than throwing down that downright crucial question - "Will you go to the prom with me?" And God forbid, in front of your brothers? How do i do that?
I practiced in the shower, in my mirror for a dozen thousand times. I gritted my teeth, wrenching it out of my mouth. It took me one full week before I decided to surrender myself to the sharks. Lady luck was on my side. I sniffed a perfect opportunity. Your brothers went to a local band's concert that night.
I paced back and forth outside your door for about one hour before I struck the doorbell.
"Hi. Allie."
"Hey. Ty. Uh, something the matter?"
"Yeah. I mean, no. Not really." I was slipping into incoherrence.
You looked at me quizzically.
I breathed a huge gust before I blurted. "Can i talk to you for a minute?"
"Yeah. Sure."
You lead me to the living room. We sat opposite each other. I was jittery and you seem tensed. I crossed my fingers inside my pockets and started to say..."Allie, I just wanted to ask you-"
"Ty! I was about to ring you house."
And then the moment disappeared. I saw Drew and Adam, your brothers.
"Hey, guys hurry up!" I heard Nash's voice coming from Adam's room.
"He's getting antsy. C'mon, we've got the latest star wars movie. Dad brought the DVD version."
The two of them grabbed either side of my arms and then we settled down Adam's bed.
Somebody passed popcorn. Just before Drew pressed the start butten, You piped up.
"Uh, Ty. What were you gonna ask me?"
The room was silent, except for the munching of popcorn.
"Uh, nothing. Just.. wanna know what everyone's gonna do tonight."
And though I wasn't staring at you, your silence told me you didn't believe my alibi.
At school though, both of us were uncomfortable approaching each other openly. I had my own crowd and you had yours. Cheerleaders and jocks don't really mix, so we simply say hi or hello. Sometimes, we share a lunch table with your siblings and mine.
0ne summer, our families decided to go camping together. That was one of the best days of life yet. The forest was picturisque, the place absolutely wonderful. I knew you were having fun too, with all the hiking and stuff. We even have camp fires in the night where everybody goofs around, singing ang dancing like maniacs. One time, due to insistent public demand, you sang a song with my accompaniment. Well, you didn't sound bad. And though you're not Jojo or Amy Pearson or Taylor Swift, I didn't really matter. To me, that was the best melody I've ever heard.
That Night, I Fell In Love with You.
It wasn't easy hiding from everyone but i had to. I can't possibly lead you into thinking that I'm taking any advantage or what. So I waited. I was careful not to show my feelings. I stopped myself from staring too much at your smile. I clenched my fist to refrain from holding you when we get really close. It was new to me. I couldn't say anything yet.. And though we were spending so many weekends together playing badminton, malling, going to the amusement park or just fooling around with our siblings at home, I came nowhere near telling you.
The dreaded prom came.
I had to ask you, I knew I had. Man, what's more difficult than throwing down that downright crucial question - "Will you go to the prom with me?" And God forbid, in front of your brothers? How do i do that?
I practiced in the shower, in my mirror for a dozen thousand times. I gritted my teeth, wrenching it out of my mouth. It took me one full week before I decided to surrender myself to the sharks. Lady luck was on my side. I sniffed a perfect opportunity. Your brothers went to a local band's concert that night.
I paced back and forth outside your door for about one hour before I struck the doorbell.
"Hi. Allie."
"Hey. Ty. Uh, something the matter?"
"Yeah. I mean, no. Not really." I was slipping into incoherrence.
You looked at me quizzically.
I breathed a huge gust before I blurted. "Can i talk to you for a minute?"
"Yeah. Sure."
You lead me to the living room. We sat opposite each other. I was jittery and you seem tensed. I crossed my fingers inside my pockets and started to say..."Allie, I just wanted to ask you-"
"Ty! I was about to ring you house."
And then the moment disappeared. I saw Drew and Adam, your brothers.
"Hey, guys hurry up!" I heard Nash's voice coming from Adam's room.
"He's getting antsy. C'mon, we've got the latest star wars movie. Dad brought the DVD version."
The two of them grabbed either side of my arms and then we settled down Adam's bed.
Somebody passed popcorn. Just before Drew pressed the start butten, You piped up.
"Uh, Ty. What were you gonna ask me?"
The room was silent, except for the munching of popcorn.
"Uh, nothing. Just.. wanna know what everyone's gonna do tonight."
And though I wasn't staring at you, your silence told me you didn't believe my alibi.
Whatever it takes
20 years has passed since that first day we met. I was six and you were four. I stood outside our new house, feeling quiet down. It had been hard for me to leave Michigan where i grew up with my childhood friends. Dad came over and figured out what's wrong. He scooped me up and we entered the house in front of ours. The owner, Mr. Ravine was his college buddy. They decided to have a drink and Dad left me in the garden with Mr. Ravine's three other kids, two boys and one girl. And she was you.
You had your own Barbie world, so me and your brothers became playmates while you trooped with other neighboor's girls. And I didn't mind you much, till i turned 9 years old. My brother Nash taught me basics on guitar, and since then my music became the epicenter of my life. My mom saw my academics go all downhill. She wasn't happy about it so she threatened to burn my favorite guitar if i don't square myself with school. That finally motivated me to pay attention to her. I did fine on the first week, but when the 2nd week came, I couldn't hold it anymore. I snuck out of my room one evening when i was supposed to be studying. I hid inside an old garage. I was having fun, but then you came along out of nowhere and told me off. You ran towards our house to report me to my mom. I was grounded for a month. And I hated you since then.
That's how everything went till we reached high school, me hating you from your cheerleader uniform to your pain in the ass quarterback boyfriend. I roll my eyes whenever you guys strut around school like you were Reese Witherspon and Ryan Philippe. But even the campus royal couple couldn't get away from the usual high school drama. I was sitting outside the gym when you had that TV-like scene where you slapped him in front of the whole student body. Finally, after 6 months, you found out that he was going out with your girl bestfriend too. Gee, what a heartbreaker. Like any other soap opera confrontation, you being the girl walked out on him, teary -eyed.
Hey, I wasn't such a cold hearted moron. After I chuckled appreciatively, I dunno why I found myself an hour after ditching class and stalking you. I was completely confused where you were going. The bus ride took two hours. You stopped at the hill overlooking the amusement park.
And me, I approached you. Since you were soaking wet your poor hanky, I offered mine.
"You?"
"Me." I sat beside you.
"Thought you're never gonna talk to me for the rest of your life-Tyler Saunders."
I had to smile at that one. "I thought so too," I confessed.
You wiped the lacrimation off.
"You saw that, huh?"
"You mean you and the guy Sean?...Well, yeah.Me and the rest of the school."
You sobbed so hard that I was sort of alarmed. Coz when girls cry, we boys don't really know what to do and it scares the hell out of us.
"How am I gonna go to school tomorrow when everyone will just be looking at me knowing that that bastard cheated on me?"
"Uh, hate to break the news to you but, I personally think everyone knows what that jerk is up to. So, guess you just the last one to figure that out."
Ok, I was insensitive and I realized that too late. So you cried harder.
"I'm sorry... Just...forget what I said ok?"
I took a while before you calmed down.
"So, you really care about him?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
"Why do you care about Sean?"
"Coz he's my boyfriend for six months. And he's a quarterback, I'm a cheerleader. He's got a six pack. He's a senior. He's going to Darthmouth this fall. People say he's good for me.."
I looked at you.
"What? I know I sound juvenile-"
"Good thing you know."
"Don't I have the right to be shallow?!"
"You have every right." I was on the verge of laughing.
"Don't laugh at me. You're a socially deprived human being with only your guitar as your most intimate relationship."
"I wasn't laughing."
And then we both laughed.
"You're right."-you finally said with a sigh.
"ABout what?I haven't said anything."
You rolled your eyes. "YEah, but its written all over your face."
"And what is that?"
"I'm stupid. I'm crazy. I'm shallow..."
"True."
"Right. And I don't care."
"You don't care about what?"
"I don't care about what all of you think. I don't care about Sean." You stood up and grabbed my wrist.
"Where are we going?"
"There's an amusement park downhill and all you wanna do is sit your ass up here? C'mon, time to hit some roller coasters."
You had your own Barbie world, so me and your brothers became playmates while you trooped with other neighboor's girls. And I didn't mind you much, till i turned 9 years old. My brother Nash taught me basics on guitar, and since then my music became the epicenter of my life. My mom saw my academics go all downhill. She wasn't happy about it so she threatened to burn my favorite guitar if i don't square myself with school. That finally motivated me to pay attention to her. I did fine on the first week, but when the 2nd week came, I couldn't hold it anymore. I snuck out of my room one evening when i was supposed to be studying. I hid inside an old garage. I was having fun, but then you came along out of nowhere and told me off. You ran towards our house to report me to my mom. I was grounded for a month. And I hated you since then.
That's how everything went till we reached high school, me hating you from your cheerleader uniform to your pain in the ass quarterback boyfriend. I roll my eyes whenever you guys strut around school like you were Reese Witherspon and Ryan Philippe. But even the campus royal couple couldn't get away from the usual high school drama. I was sitting outside the gym when you had that TV-like scene where you slapped him in front of the whole student body. Finally, after 6 months, you found out that he was going out with your girl bestfriend too. Gee, what a heartbreaker. Like any other soap opera confrontation, you being the girl walked out on him, teary -eyed.
Hey, I wasn't such a cold hearted moron. After I chuckled appreciatively, I dunno why I found myself an hour after ditching class and stalking you. I was completely confused where you were going. The bus ride took two hours. You stopped at the hill overlooking the amusement park.
And me, I approached you. Since you were soaking wet your poor hanky, I offered mine.
"You?"
"Me." I sat beside you.
"Thought you're never gonna talk to me for the rest of your life-Tyler Saunders."
I had to smile at that one. "I thought so too," I confessed.
You wiped the lacrimation off.
"You saw that, huh?"
"You mean you and the guy Sean?...Well, yeah.Me and the rest of the school."
You sobbed so hard that I was sort of alarmed. Coz when girls cry, we boys don't really know what to do and it scares the hell out of us.
"How am I gonna go to school tomorrow when everyone will just be looking at me knowing that that bastard cheated on me?"
"Uh, hate to break the news to you but, I personally think everyone knows what that jerk is up to. So, guess you just the last one to figure that out."
Ok, I was insensitive and I realized that too late. So you cried harder.
"I'm sorry... Just...forget what I said ok?"
I took a while before you calmed down.
"So, you really care about him?"
"Yeah."
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?"
"Why do you care about Sean?"
"Coz he's my boyfriend for six months. And he's a quarterback, I'm a cheerleader. He's got a six pack. He's a senior. He's going to Darthmouth this fall. People say he's good for me.."
I looked at you.
"What? I know I sound juvenile-"
"Good thing you know."
"Don't I have the right to be shallow?!"
"You have every right." I was on the verge of laughing.
"Don't laugh at me. You're a socially deprived human being with only your guitar as your most intimate relationship."
"I wasn't laughing."
And then we both laughed.
"You're right."-you finally said with a sigh.
"ABout what?I haven't said anything."
You rolled your eyes. "YEah, but its written all over your face."
"And what is that?"
"I'm stupid. I'm crazy. I'm shallow..."
"True."
"Right. And I don't care."
"You don't care about what?"
"I don't care about what all of you think. I don't care about Sean." You stood up and grabbed my wrist.
"Where are we going?"
"There's an amusement park downhill and all you wanna do is sit your ass up here? C'mon, time to hit some roller coasters."
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Not Really
I'm not doing anything at all,
Just hanging here wondering,
Should I really wait for something so unsure?
Its a crazy question, but who cares?
All i know is that you weren't even there...
I sat outside your gate on that stormy night,
I was drowning in the rain and misery and fright,
I called you again and again, hoping you might...you know.
Oh, I was still trying to understand,
Why you didn't come at the coffee shop,
I said maybe you thought I wouldn't brave the rain.
Or maybe you misunderstood that two o'clock was ten..
Or something else happened...
But you never answered your phone,
And your house was empty,
So I walked back home on my own....
The headlights found me before i had time to blink,
And then all was out.
The headache i woke up to seriously stink,
And I stirred up and about.
Then his worried voice bade me to conciousness,
Well, he wasn't you so i was disappointed,
I stared around his car,
The storm was still raging outside
even louder than it was few minutes ago,
His name was Knight without a shining armor,
but he was cute and all that though,
So we talked as he drove me home,
He was smart, charming; he was dope,
We got along just fine, in music, hobbies and NBA teams,
Every second gets better as it seems,
But he wasn't you...so.
He heard my stomache scream,
And despite my pleading he pulled to a stop,
We wolfed down a Big mac, Large fries, Large coke,
I was laughing my ass off at his knock knock joke,
But then I saw your face from the mirror,
and i nearly choked...
Before Knight had a chance to ask if i was okay,
You spotted us and entered through the doorway,
Your looked at me accusingly, like-who's he?
but i raised my brows-what're you doing with Shirly?
I thought the situation couldn't possibly diffuse,
But then Knight called your name, and then what the-?
He introduced himself as your cousin from South California...
The anecdote left me chuckling even when we got back in the car,
He looked at me, amused and asked- Why are you smiling,
I said nothing, then I laughed...
As he walked me to our front door,
he was still asking what my laughter was for...
I said nothing, so he gave up.
And threw at me the next question...
"Can i see you tomorrow?"
I wanted to jump up and down,
giggling, shouting yes at the top of my Lungs,
Funny how i thought of you suddenly,
And how for three years I loved you desperately,
How you turned me down so many times,
How many buckets of tears you made me cry,
How stupidly i swallowed every single lie,
With everything I've been through,
I should hate all males on planet earth,
But Knight isn't you.
I'm not doing anything at all,
Just hanging here wondering,
What dress should i were in my date with Knight later?
Its a crazy question, but who cares?
All i know is that I should've realized long before
That you were never there.
Just hanging here wondering,
Should I really wait for something so unsure?
Its a crazy question, but who cares?
All i know is that you weren't even there...
I sat outside your gate on that stormy night,
I was drowning in the rain and misery and fright,
I called you again and again, hoping you might...you know.
Oh, I was still trying to understand,
Why you didn't come at the coffee shop,
I said maybe you thought I wouldn't brave the rain.
Or maybe you misunderstood that two o'clock was ten..
Or something else happened...
But you never answered your phone,
And your house was empty,
So I walked back home on my own....
The headlights found me before i had time to blink,
And then all was out.
The headache i woke up to seriously stink,
And I stirred up and about.
Then his worried voice bade me to conciousness,
Well, he wasn't you so i was disappointed,
I stared around his car,
The storm was still raging outside
even louder than it was few minutes ago,
His name was Knight without a shining armor,
but he was cute and all that though,
So we talked as he drove me home,
He was smart, charming; he was dope,
We got along just fine, in music, hobbies and NBA teams,
Every second gets better as it seems,
But he wasn't you...so.
He heard my stomache scream,
And despite my pleading he pulled to a stop,
We wolfed down a Big mac, Large fries, Large coke,
I was laughing my ass off at his knock knock joke,
But then I saw your face from the mirror,
and i nearly choked...
Before Knight had a chance to ask if i was okay,
You spotted us and entered through the doorway,
Your looked at me accusingly, like-who's he?
but i raised my brows-what're you doing with Shirly?
I thought the situation couldn't possibly diffuse,
But then Knight called your name, and then what the-?
He introduced himself as your cousin from South California...
The anecdote left me chuckling even when we got back in the car,
He looked at me, amused and asked- Why are you smiling,
I said nothing, then I laughed...
As he walked me to our front door,
he was still asking what my laughter was for...
I said nothing, so he gave up.
And threw at me the next question...
"Can i see you tomorrow?"
I wanted to jump up and down,
giggling, shouting yes at the top of my Lungs,
Funny how i thought of you suddenly,
And how for three years I loved you desperately,
How you turned me down so many times,
How many buckets of tears you made me cry,
How stupidly i swallowed every single lie,
With everything I've been through,
I should hate all males on planet earth,
But Knight isn't you.
I'm not doing anything at all,
Just hanging here wondering,
What dress should i were in my date with Knight later?
Its a crazy question, but who cares?
All i know is that I should've realized long before
That you were never there.
my lamentation
There are times when I feel like I want to drown in the abyss of surliness.When everything seem so dead,
I come out alive, though
Never vibrant enough to conceal the truth from a silhouette of lies
‘Somewhere, across the seven seas
Awaits a promise of Utopia’
So I’ve been told
Of a slander so ancient, so old
When my weary soul lies upon a cloud
I could hear the beat of heartbreaks aloud
As I close my eyes, I hear mine
Yearning, reminiscing a time
A time of euphoria
A time of endless reveries
A time of acquiescence
A time of sworn reverence
Yet a time of profound hurt
A time of sordid memories
A time of silently raging tears
A time of resurgence of fears
I dreamed a dream too long
I fell far too deep
I seethed too soon
I conferred too much
And here I am for this moment
Too weary
Too resilient
At times, I wish to deny my existence
To desire to hear the murmur of the zephyr
For one final moment
I know such tenderness
I know such frailty
I know such right
I know such wrong
I know, I shouldn’t be here
I shouldn’t be like this
But I’ve never been so sure
And I know I might never be
So here I stand and say
I’m ready to face the sun again
I swear to my dying day
I loved you once
I LOVE YOU STILL
& TILL THE END,
I WILL
skies
A bird has flown away,And then we admire its flight
The magic it brings
The way it flaps its wings
Then as it disappears before our very eyes
It’s when we realize its no longer coming back
Too late to run after for it has found its track
And we are left to wonder
If we will happen to see it again
“Absence makes the heart grow fonder”
A saying as real as pain
Tomorrow is another day
The sun never fails to shine
As it casts another ray
To light a morning so fine
In a certain corner
The gloom pierces through
Too enveloped that even the sun couldn’t find
It hides away, keeping itself blind
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