diary excerpt

diary excerpt

Its been 5 long years now and still, I am trapped in this chamber in my heart that contains my yearning for him. On the surface, I seem to have lost every trace of his existence in my life. But in my life’s every aspect, in my subtle ways, he’s there: apparent in every stimulus and movement of my body, every breath, every step, every idea, every principle. He had my life in his hands, never knowing what metamorphosis he caused me.

I can’t imagine being in love the same way with anyone else.

I love him in my simple and elaborate ways.

· First thing in the morning, I think of the wildest incidence I might get to see him.
· When I ride to school, I secretly wish to see him drive his mountain bike
· Whenever I’m in class I imagine him outside my classroom walking through the corridors, knowing that he’s in miles away…
· In lunch time, I find myself imagining again that he’ll be outside the gate, waiting for me to have lunch with him.
· While at work, I lie to myself that he’s at the office living room, anxiously thinking when I’ll come to see him.
· And then, when I see my crushes, I always see a part of him on them…
· Whenever I see couples, I’ll wish I told him what happened then, to explain why we became total strangers after all the laughs and fun we had when we were still friends
· Whenever I get to see romantic movies, I think of what could have happened if I told him how I felt back then.
· Whenever I see other people feeling broken hearted, I remember my own and feel the pain as if it was fresh and still bleeding. Its eating me inside…
· Whenever I hear or read about lovers defying all the odds just to fight for love, I can’t help but think of what I am ready to risk just to be with him…
· Whenever I debate with anyone, especially in class, I see him cheering for me, like I’m always the best debater in the world.
· Whenever I see drawings, I remember his cunning in arts
· Whenever I hear the song iris, I wish to say the lyrics of the song to him and tell him it was written to describe exactly the way I feel for him.
· Before I sleep, I always think if he’s asleep too, or staying up late.
· Whenever there’s a crowd, I always look around, hoping to see him in the middle of the mob
· When I am alone, I think of him; in my past, in my present, in my future…I think of everything that happened between him and me. I wonder if I’ll ever learn to fall such as deeply for someone else. I ponder if I’ll be forever a hopeless romantic for him…

I’ve never been so real, so weak, so strong, so brave to admit to myself the things I’ve tried to keep inside. I know I sound pathetic to others, but this is one of those times that I am completely true, completely honest… I’ve never been so true all my life…